


Lullaby

by droideka



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Horror, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tobacco use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-06-10 15:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6962293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/droideka/pseuds/droideka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the nightmares get worse, the nights get longer. All that Shepard wants is a night of rest. All that Tali wants is to see Shepard well again. Neither of them are big on grand gestures, but sometimes it's the little things that have the biggest impact.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lullaby

_She’s walking through the remains of a burned out forest, the skeletons of the trees casting long shadows over the naked earth. The ashes on the ground rise around her boots with every step she takes, coating them in a fine layer of dust. She can barely make out the silhouettes of her platoon mates in the darkness, but she can see the sweep of their flashlights across the ground._

_It’s quiet, unnaturally so._

_The silence is shattered by a blood curdling scream, then the chatter of gunfire. Suddenly the forest is alight with muzzle flash and the strobing of the flashlights across the trees. She can see their shadows fall as her platoon mates are swarmed by the husks of what once were human beings. She can hear them – her friends, her comrades – crying for help, screaming her name. But she can’t move. Despite the way her brain is telling her to move –_ move _, goddammit_ – _her body is rigid in her terror. They’re being overwhelmed, and somehow she knows that she’ll be the last one left alive._

_One hulking shadow detaches itself from the darkness and drifts toward her. Its insect-like limbs unfold from its body, and its bright blue eyes open to watch her, unblinking. Its wide mouth opens, and she can see the fresh corpses piled inside. Among them is a boy. He couldn’t be more than eight years old. The boy lifts his head, and he fixes his dull gaze on her face._

_She wants to beg for his forgiveness. But when she tries to speak she feels the breath rush out of her lungs. She’s choking on her guilt, suffocating from her failure._

_The boy strains against the tubing that burrows into his skin as the praetorian moves closer – close enough for him to touch her. He reaches out, and she feels his small fingers stroke her face._

…

Shepard’s whole body jerked when she woke.

The pounding of her heart made the blood roar in her ears, audible even over her ragged breathing. She struggled to catch her breath as her chest heaved under the crushing weight of her fear. She was feverishly warm, her dampened shirt sticking to her sweat-slicked skin. Her eyes darted wildly around the darkened room, chasing after the remnants of her dream as they faded into the shadows. It wasn’t until the walls and floors came into focus that she remembered where she was. Widow. Citadel. Apartment.

Shepard let her head sink back into her pillow. She counted her breaths. In, out. One. In, out. Two. In, out. Three. She felt her muscles loosen and her heart rate slow as her panic subsided. It was then that she realized she was gripping something tightly in her hand. She lifted it, and found that it was a thin wrist attached to a small three-fingered hand.

She let go of Tali’s wrist to press her palm to her forehead, her fingers settling into her short, dark hair. “I’m sorry, Tali.”

“It’s okay. I startled you.”

Tali lay beside her, watching her closely. Out of the corner of her eye, Shepard could see that Tali’s bright eyes were narrowed in concern.

“What was it this time?”

Shepard passed her hand down her face. “Does it matter?”

Tali gave her a look that demanded an answer. Shepard sighed.

“Akuze. Alchera. Vancouver. I dunno. It all runs together at this point.”

Shepard recognized the sympathy in the way that Tali’s eyes flared open.

It was unwanted.

Sympathy didn’t help her sleep at night, when she lay awake dreading the nightmares to come. Sympathy didn’t quiet the constant screaming in her mind, drowning out every thought. Sympathy didn’t stop the surge of images, sounds – fuck, even _smells_ that overwhelmed her senses.

Sympathy did jack shit.

Shepard was sick of useless advice, sick of empty platitudes, sick of sympathy. She wanted relief, she wanted peace. Even just for a moment.

Shepard threw open the covers and swung her legs off the side of the bed. She took a moment to collect herself, passing her hand over the buzzed side of her head. When she stood, it was on unsteady legs. She picked up the jeans she had left on the floor and pulled them on, then snatched up the jacket she’d left draped over the end of the bed. She fished around in the pockets and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. As she turned to walk out of the room, Tali sat up in the bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

Without turning around, Shepard held up the cigarettes in her hand. She heard Tali’s resigned sigh, but didn’t hear any protests. Each of the crew had taken a swing at an intervention at some point. Mordin had flooded her inbox with informational pamphlets. Miranda had solemnly informed her that Cerberus wouldn’t be sending over a spare set of lungs. Vega had warned her that he wouldn’t pull his punches if she ever got winded during a sparring match. Hell, even _Jack_ had offered to quit with her. But the only one who had been moderately successful was Tali. Even then, it was just a promise to cut down and try to find “healthy alternatives.” All of which did fuck all, by the way.

Tali didn’t follow her out, for which Shepard was grateful. Shepard didn’t want her to see the subtle shake in her hands or the cold sweat beading on her back.

Shepard couldn’t unwind the tightening knot of frustration in her chest or the tension coiling in the muscles of her back. Recovery was less of an uphill trudge and more of a vertical climb. Every foothold she found crumbled beneath her feet. Every time she clawed herself up, she slid back down further than before. It infuriated her, more than anything else.

Shepard stalked out of the apartment, paced restlessly in the elevator, then cut across the lobby and out of the building. The flash of the lighter threw warm orange light across her face, illuminating the hard lines of her hollow cheeks and the bags under her angular eyes. Shepard let her shoulders rest against the cool metal of the apartment building as she took the first drag of her cigarette, savoring the dry heat that filled her lungs.

The Alliance brass had taken notice of her downward spiral. When Shepard had asked Dr. Chakwas for something to help her sleep, she’d sent her away with a recommendation for a therapist. The note was probably still buried somewhere on her desk, beneath the stacks of neglected paperwork. Admiral Hackett had granted shore leave to the entire crew, and had all but ordered Shepard off the ship. But a softer bed didn’t stave off the nightmares. Even Anderson had gotten involved. He was fighting a fucking ground war on Earth and he still asked her how she was feeling.

There had always been questions about her mental fitness– nobody would have ever called her well-adjusted at any point in her life. But now it was no longer a question of if she’d crack, but when.

And when she did, the whole galaxy would be watching.

But for now, in the darkness of the Ward, under the ribbons of neon that lit the street, Shepard enjoyed her brief anonymity. Away from the respectful attention of her crew, away from her superiors’ constant scrutiny, away from Tali’s attentive gaze, Shepard finally felt alone.

…

As the door closed behind her, Shepard heard voices coming from the far side of the apartment. A jolt of adrenaline shot through her core and into her chest, making her heart race and her fists clench. A dozen scenarios flashed through her mind. Cerberus infiltrators? Another CAT6 ambush? A mundane home invasion? She was calculating the fastest route to the pistol hidden in her bedside table when the sounds finally registered.

Canned dialogue. Sweeping music. Warbling vocals.

Shepard couldn’t contain the relieved sigh that escaped her, or stop the smile that rose on her face.

When she entered the TV room, she found Tali lounging on the couch. The light from the TV flickered across her faceplate, reflecting the scenes from the vid in miniature. Shepard leaned against the wall, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Really, Tali? _Fleet and Flotilla?_ Again?”

Tali twisted on the couch to fix her bright gaze on Shepard’s face. Her eyes narrowed in what Shepard recognized as feigned irritation. “ _Fleet and Flotilla_ is a classic. It won awards, Shepard. Unlike the terrible Earth vids you like to watch.”

“Ouch. Skipped the banter and went straight for the jugular there, huh.”

“I don’t understand why you watch them. Why would you want to scare yourself for fun? And the plots are always so silly. Nobody even considers, ‘oh, maybe I shouldn’t go after the monster with acid for blood.’ It’s stupid. And so gory! No wonder you have nightmares, Shepard.”

Shepard bristled at that.

Realizing that she’d struck a nerve, Tali’s eyes widened. Sympathy, again. She reached out a hand and beckoned her closer. “Come here.”

Shepard rounded the couch to sit down beside her. Tali put her hands on Shepard’s shoulders and guided her down into a reclining position, her head in Tali’s lap and her legs stretched out over the length of the couch. Tali looked down at her fondly as her gloved fingers cupped the side of her face.

A sudden scene change drew Tali’s eyes back toward the TV screen.

“Did you know,” she asked, “that the actress who played Shalei had an infection for three weeks after filming the balcony scene?”

“I did,” Shepard answered. “You told me.”

“But did you know that the actor who plays Bellicus went to visit her in the hospital?”

“I didn’t.”

“Well.” Tali’s fingers stroked Shepard’s cheek absently. “The rumor was that they were involved. They denied it, of course. They said their relationship didn’t extend past the screen.”

“Makes sense.”

“But it doesn’t! How can you watch this vid and not see their connection?”

“I dunno, Tali.” Shepard smiled as her eyes slid closed. “Maybe I’m just not very observant.”

“ _I_ think they denied it because of pressure from their publicists. They didn’t know how the audience would react to an interspecies relationship in the vid, and they definitely didn’t know how they would react to an interspecies relationship in real life. So it was too risky to be open about it.”

“Mmhm?”

“ _And_ Bellicus was married. It would have been a huge scandal.”

“Mmhm.”

The minutes passed quietly, the sounds from the vid filling the silence. Shepard could feel herself beginning to doze when the music swelled and another musical number began. It was Tali’s favorite, Shepard remembered. But Tali was notably silent – Shepard couldn’t recall a time when she _hadn’t_ sung along to the vid at full volume. When Shepard opened her eyes to look up at her, Tali’s eyes were fixed firmly on the screen and her hands were still at her sides.

“You can sing if you want to, Tali. I know it’s killing you.”

Tali looked down at her. “I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Nah. I wasn’t sleeping anyway.”

Tali hesitated, but Shepard’s reassuring smile seemed to convince her. She restricted herself to humming along, at first. But by the first chorus she was singing quietly under her breath. Despite her restraint, Tali’s sweet, lilting voice seemed to fill the room. Shepard decided then that it was the second best sound she’d ever heard. First place was still reserved for all the ways that Tali said her name: brightly in the hallways of the _Normandy_ , softly in the quiet after a firefight, breathlessly in the darkness of their bedroom.

Tali pushed her hand gently through Shepard’s hair, her fingers spreading the short, dark locks at her crown to trace lightly over her scalp. Shepard sighed softly through her nose as she relaxed under Tali’s touch, settling deeper into her lap. Shepard struggled to keep her eyes open, her heavy lids sinking shut and then fluttering open again. After a few minutes, she stopped trying.

The sounds of the vid were growing indistinct, the words running together with the music. Tali held the last note beyond the end of the song, like she didn’t want to let it go. It was as her voice faded into the quiet of the apartment that Shepard felt herself drift off fully into sleep.

She was awake just long enough to hear Tali whisper, “I love you, Shepard.”

Which put Tali’s singing solidly in third place on the list of the best sounds that Shepard had ever heard.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to follow me on tumblr! Ask me questions, give me criticism, send me prompts!
> 
> You can find me at [lesbiantalizorahs.tumblr.com](http://lesbiantalizorahs.tumblr.com)


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